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A review of the new script posted through Creature Corner:

Yo! El Mayimbe aqui with the help of my Santa’s little helper EL CHAVO with a look at CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON from Gary Ross. I’m mad busy with the last script review coming up next week and with la compra of gifts for the holidays.
So without any further ado…

Creature From the Black Lagoon
Screenplay by: Gary Ross

Doc Hollywoods Horror Picture Formula

Ingredients:
1 couple including the heroine and her rather feminine husband:
Carrie and John
1 mysterious vacation (?) to the Amazon for the couple
1 boat supposed to take the couple to their hotel that breaks down
1 bigger bad-ass science vessel that intercepts saving the couple from a day of mosquitos, monkey screams and day-old carne asada
7+ cardboard cut out science vessel occupants including a scientist, a researcher, a chef, a dastardly ship 'captain', some assistants, some crew
1 blimp

Gently add:
Uncharted Amazon River tributaries thousands of miles away from any civilization

Stir in:
Spooky sights and sounds of the 'uncharted' Amazon
Some spooky natives in sceeerrry make-up and 1 whole 'Creature', along with any relatives if you can find them.

Mix until desired consistency, place batter in toilet, flush several times and sojourn to the living room (or where ever it is that you watch movies) and pop in the DVD for Batman Begins and forget you ever heard of such a concept.

Right, well that's pretty much all you need to know. The Creature From the Black Lagoon... think about it for a minute — do you think it's a good idea? Is this just some producer pulling an idea out of the vault saying, "Hey Peter Jackson is reviving King Kong and horror pictures are in... This is a cherry idea"? How would you write the Black Lagoon concept into an interesting one for today's audiences?

Stop there, because you're lying to yourself if you think you can. Make this film — unless you change it completely and it'll gross (tops) 15 million... worldwide. That's 15 million assuming you don't cast Kevin Dillon, Jamie Foxx, and Paris Hilton. This means that if you're going to make a profit, you'll need to shoot it for 1 million. And that means, you'll need to hire that 'My Date with Drew' guy to direct it.

Actually, I digress — I'm sure there are some creative non-Hollywood types that could make enough sense of the idea to make the Creature from the Black Lagoon. First, let me give you some more insight:

The film starts off, regularly enough, with a little mini-adventure like we're used to from better movies like Indiana Jones, James Bond - @#%$ even Constantine runs circles around this tripe. The mini- adventure has relatively no tie-in to the rest of the story, but it sets a moody tone that 'something' is out there, in the waters of the Amazon. The dying screams of the native gold searchers is segued by the shrill singing of an opera singer, where we meet 'John' and 'Carrie' already on vacation in Brazil, attending an opera. We're told several times, and there are pages of awkward dialogue about the 'why' of their vacation, but never any specifics — we just know that 'Carrie' has some type of psychological issue (which is convenient because her husband is a psychiatrist)... so already we can cut a few pages. They head out, the next day, via boat to their hotel in the jungle — except that the dilapidated barge they get on breaks down en-route. A 'spooky' night later, a vessel arrives bearing scientists for pharmaceutical research and offers the two a lift. (I can barely cope with paraphrasing this, so I'm going to speed it up a bit.)

John and Carrie agree to the lift, they end up volunteering to stay (much to John's chagrin) to tag along with the crew up the Amazon, into uncharted waters. (The whys and hows of this - in fact: any logic at all is completely absent). They're searching for pharmaceutical 'stuff', and when they stop days into their journey - they find something they'd never expected: a golden vagina... I mean — wrong - they find plants with 'regenerative abilities': a picked leaf that re-grows the entire tree it was picked from. This encourages them to stay; only plants that were cut so the boat could make progress up the Amazon overgrow the vessel, covering it in fast growing trees — once again stranding them. They all die, happy happy — the end. Time for dinner. @#%$ this movie it's evilstupid.

Ok ok... the 'Creature' appears in some form or another right when they get to this spot where they find the regenerative plants. The scientists find out that the only DNA relevant to their project is the DNA of the 'Creature' itself. So they catch one - a baby. And then bad @#%$ happens (see diatribe above), and they must do - everything - they - can - do - just - to - stay - alive. Holy crap, just watch any horror film post Blair Witch that involves 'creatures', take out the high school students, biologically engineered sharks, wax people, and viruses — insert cardboard cut-out scientists, a bunch of men that act like women, a woman who is treated like a heroine but does absolutely nothing heroic (except arguably at the end), and a 'creature' that is exactly like all other 'creatures' only one that doesn't involve a satanic curse, aliens or Donald Trump — and you got yerself a Black Lagoon movie-e.

I know, you want to know if it'll be scary in that I-knew-it-was coming-but-am-jumpy-because-I'm-past-due-on-my-rent-so-I'm-just-naturally-jumpy kinda way. The answer is no. Nope. Not scary. I'm more scared of turds, especially ones that magically jump under your pillow at night. So what could they do to make it better? Well...they could start shooting...seriously...they could just start shooting people, starting with Gary Ross and then just going as far as they can — get all the killings on tape, sell the tape to 'Extra' for a few million, plea insanity and call it a day.

What can they do to make it better??

Insert your idea here. There are a million ways to do this film better. King Kong isn't doing so well because people just aren't interested in it - its rehashed material at this point. Absolutely no one I talk to about this film (Creature) is remotely interested in it. People want 'spin' on old ideas maybe but not remakes. STOP WITH THE REMAKES ALREADY!!!

How would I spin the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

Idea 1. Make it a period film; Spanish explorers in the 1600's...going up the Amazon in search of gold. They stop along the way to re-supply and drop off some Jesuits, until they find a tribe of most mysterious quality: gold is their most common commodity, even more so then livestock. The Jesuits make a claim in the name of Spain and God, assuming that these people can be taught to worship, like the others were. Problem is that these people already worship a God — one whose skill at taking life is unmatched. The tribe, whose gold comes from their God in exchange for animals and an occasional sacrifice, trick the Spaniards into a war they can't possibly win. Dovetail that story with a brief ending in today's timeline with a wilderness philanthropist spotting something he must inspect to believe: a golden statue of a finned man. His inspection is shortened when the long shadow over his shoulder appears with a wet hiss.

Idea 2. Coast of Florida 1972. There have been murders in the wetlands that have been of a most inhuman, terrible and brutal nature. People, ripped inside-out with missing chunks of flesh and brain "the same parts we would eat in an animal" — and the local police is stymied. A local boatman who the natives refer to as 'crazy' is blamed and hauled off to jail, innocently. Meanwhile, a college professor, fresh from an affair with one of his students has returned home for his summer. He's been trying to turn over a new leaf and invites a 'special friend' on a trip along the Amazon. She's a childhood sweetheart. Their attraction is undeniable, their trip inevitable. Weeks along the Amazon and it's revealed that the professor was the murderer of those in Miami — as he's discovered a bait to catch the man-fish. Along for a ride she never anticipated, her murderous and former love cruelly holds her captive with the intention of feeding her to the fish...

The bottom line is that if you're going to be afraid of something it needs to cross a huge line: believability. Hollywood is TERRIBLE at this..., which is why the Blair Witch was so successful: you never saw her. No one is going to believe that there are parts of the Amazon that are 'uncharted', that a huge-hulking science vessel would even fit on a tributary, that someone would be tempted to stay in the place where people keep dying. This script needs to capture true horror, but also awe at a new species... that’s just my thirty-eight cents worth anyway.

Damn! Sounds like El Chavo wasn’t feeling the script. Oh well. Come back next week when we take a look 2005’s final script review of daring, highly trained special mission force made famous in on a cartoon in the 1980’s and whupped Star War’s ass in the toy department!

Hasta El Proximo Capitulo…

YO SOY EL MAYIMBE!