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In this first post I'll address the quality of Tim Burton's DARK SHADOWS divorced from any attachment I have for Dan Curtis' original conceptualization.

Burton's production is a disjointed mess, a patchwork quilt of ideas cobbled together for the sole purpose of advancing another scene or set-piece around the repetitive proposition of "wouldn't it be cool if Barnabas (insert comic brainstorm here)".  It became clear to me that the storyline was subservient to that proposition throughout the duration of the film. Though I know there was a script, I got the distinct impression that Burton's team made this thing up as they went along. 

Plot points come and go and reappear without a rationale. Characters disappear for extended periods of time only to reemerge to conveniently remind us there is a plot, such as it is, and their relevance to it. This is especially disadvantageous to Victoria Winters who is ostensibly the (reincarnated) love interest of Barnabas Collins, though you would barely know it without the precredit sequence and final scene. It's a shame because Bella Heathcote's characterization is one of few with any persistent gravitas, thanks to an innate charisma and ability to make the most of her screentime. But none -- NONE -- of the characters display anything more than two dimensions and most are cardboard cutouts despite obvious talent on the part of the valiant actors to make something of nothing.

Which brings me to DARK SHADOWS' second biggest weakness -- Eva Green's surprisingly flat portrayal of Angelique Bouchard. There was no sizzle, no sexual energy, no mystery. Every aspect of her villainy -- madness, possessiveness, jealousy -- lacked intensity and conviction. As I watched her play, I could not help but compare her to Charlize Theron's Queen Ravenna in the trailer for SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN that unspooled prior to DARK SHADOWS. In seconds, Theron conveyed the unpredictable nature of a particularly feminine brand of evil. Now THAT was Angelique. I know Eva Green is a beautiful woman, but I found her witch somewhat off-putting (I thought her physical earthiness in the precredit sequence much more appealing). I don't know what the makeup artist intended but Green usually looked like she just finished eating a jelly sandwich.

Because Angelique never conveyed a genuine sense of menace, Depp's Barnabas Collins never rose above a second-rate antihero. He had his moments though, sometimes displaying convincing ferocity, particularly when the lines of his face were allowed to show beneath the attempt to make him look like a perpetual twenty-something. He also remained rather likable.

That said, one of the most common expressions on Barnabas' face was a kind of stoic, idiotic surprise usually reserved for men getting a prostate check. This was most often seen in response to a confrontation with Angelique or some incarnation of modernity -- which I have to address.

It is the height of arrogance to suppose that an educated, wealthy and worldly man from the late eighteenth century would face every encounter with twentieth century technology as if it were some manifestation of the supernatural.

SPOILER ALERT

In one scene Barnabas Collins approaches a lava lamp like a Kubrick australopithicus studying the monolith.

END SPOILER

These moments (and other gags) only serve to subvert Barnabas' dignity for laughs that never come.

I thought Gulliver McGrath was fine as David Collins and quite the little scene stealer. I wish there were more of him. Chloe Grace Moretz is a fine actress though her initial appearance was much too overbearing. Michelle Pfeiffer turned in a decent performance and I rather liked Helen Bonham Carter's Julia Hoffman (with the sole exception of a stupidly gratuitous scene with Barnabas; you'll know it when you see it). But these characters had little to do with advancing the plot and were mostly there to bide their time and help out with the film's climax. More screen time is given to Jackie Earl Haley's Willie Loomis. His portrayal cried out for some sort of sympathetic, redeeming scene but it never is allowed to happen. The only character that evoked any sympathy in me was young David.

The precredit sequence detailing the back history of the Collins family was decent, but unspooled to a voiceover by Barnabas. I wish they would have given more time to his romance with Josette, the spurning of Angelique and the ensuing tragedy. It goes by much too quickly. More character development would have engendered Depp's Barnabas with considerbly more sympathy. Interestingly, the buddy I saw the film with enjoyed the precredit sequence more than any other part of the film and confessed he later became bored to the point of wanting to visit the theater lobby. I was never bored, just increasingly frustrated.

The set design and cinematography was nothing short of superb. I liked the score, especially early on, though I became somewhat immured to it as the movie progressed.

There seemed to be modest pilfering from HBO's TRUE BLOOD and I sensed a conscious nod to TWILIGHT in the final scenes, though in all fairness it may have been Tim Burton's own sense of romance breaking through the quirkiness and sight gags. I did rather like the ending, though it was a case of too little, too late.

There was not quite enough levity to consider DARK SHADOWS a comedy, though there was much too much to consider the humor simply comic relief. The elements of horror were fairly tame, though there is one decent scare that reminded me of the original WOMAN IN BLACK.

DARK SHADOWS is a horror/comedy hybrid that rates two stars.