I've just finished reading a truly awful unproduced AIP script from, I believe, the late 50's or early 60's titled TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER. (I
don't have a cover page, so I don't know the year or writer.) It's a comedy--or at least it's supposed to be a comedy--set in the
future year 1999. Women run the United States, except for Texas, where all the "real men" are. Naked female space aliens, who made the terrible
mistake of taking over from the men on their planet, land in Texas to find some real men. (Of course, the women put clothes on after the first scene or two.) A
young Texan named Hogwash, who has never seen "wimmen" before, meets the aliens, and he and his pal Pinto prove that they are real men by facing
several alien menaces. The story ends predicting that the Texans will spur a revolution that will put men back in charge and put women in their place.
The story calls for a lot of special effects, including space ships, little green men, blob-like monsters, a pit of fire and claws, another monster that carries two swords and spits knives from a slit in its chest and a swamp filled with living arms. The screenwriter apparently envisioned that much of this would be handled via animation. The screenplay opens with: "Throughout this Screenplay, the Art Direction is suggested rather than detailed as the Writer assumes that the men at UPA will not want to be tied down in these areas. All animated or still art scenes will be noted as ART." Other sections of the script outline animated sequences, sometimes specifying that the action should be like traditional cartoons. ("The Space ship will zig zag thru a series of cartoon narrow escapes so characteristic of cartoon chases." "In the manner of the UPA cartoon TELL TALE HEART, the kids should meet a number of horror sights.")
What's really remarkable about the script is the rampant misogyny. The women running the country are described throughout as "old biddies" and "real mother-in-law types." (Naturally the more submissive alien women are gorgeous.) A meeting of the cabinet is described: "A babble of female voices is deafening . . . We will play the track at a faster speed than normal and accent the high frequencies so we get a real jabberwock effect." Here's an exchange from late in the film between Hogwash's grandfather and the Secretary of War (another "old biddy"):
GRANDPA: I said shut up and sit down.
SECRETARY OF WAR (she sits): No man ever talked to me like that before.
GRANDPA: That's probably your main trouble . . . now you'll do what I tell you, and the first thing is to keep quiet.
SECRETARY OF WAR: If my husband were around you wouldn't dare treat me like this.
GRANDPA: You ain't got no husband.
SECRETARY OF WAR: Well, if I did.
GRANDPA: If you did, then he'd be telling you to sit down and shut up, and I wouldn't have to.
Later, the Secretary of War is seen in the kitchen, contentedly cooking for Grandpa, happy that a real man has put her in her place. Not being married myself, I wonder if the married men on this forum might try an experiment: Go tell your wives to shut up and sit down. According to this script, she should be happy that you have asserted your masculine authority. Please report back on the accuracy of this prediction.
As if the lame "comedy", sloppy story structure (it's cluttered with incident after incident) and hostility toward women weren't enough the make this script a dog, it includes suggestions for two rock n' roll songs. The first is the "Take Me to Your Leader Rock":
Take me to your leader
I want the big man
Take me to your leader
I want the big man
Take me to your leader
I'm ready to swing
Take me to your leader
I'm ding ding ding
The second is for the grand finale, and is entitled "Get Your Man in Texas":
Get your man in Texas
Cause that's where men are men
Shootin' hard, ridin' fast
A Texas man can really last
When we shake, swing, ding along ding [Why is the writer hung up on the word "ding"?]
Ice cream cones that melt away
Ain't no fun on a real hot day
A piece of gum that won't stay sweet
Is only a trick cause it ain't no treat
So get your man in Texas
Cause that's where men are men [What does this have to do with the melting ice cream and the gum?]
I think we can all be grateful that Arkoff and Nicholson turned this one down!
The story calls for a lot of special effects, including space ships, little green men, blob-like monsters, a pit of fire and claws, another monster that carries two swords and spits knives from a slit in its chest and a swamp filled with living arms. The screenwriter apparently envisioned that much of this would be handled via animation. The screenplay opens with: "Throughout this Screenplay, the Art Direction is suggested rather than detailed as the Writer assumes that the men at UPA will not want to be tied down in these areas. All animated or still art scenes will be noted as ART." Other sections of the script outline animated sequences, sometimes specifying that the action should be like traditional cartoons. ("The Space ship will zig zag thru a series of cartoon narrow escapes so characteristic of cartoon chases." "In the manner of the UPA cartoon TELL TALE HEART, the kids should meet a number of horror sights.")
What's really remarkable about the script is the rampant misogyny. The women running the country are described throughout as "old biddies" and "real mother-in-law types." (Naturally the more submissive alien women are gorgeous.) A meeting of the cabinet is described: "A babble of female voices is deafening . . . We will play the track at a faster speed than normal and accent the high frequencies so we get a real jabberwock effect." Here's an exchange from late in the film between Hogwash's grandfather and the Secretary of War (another "old biddy"):
GRANDPA: I said shut up and sit down.
SECRETARY OF WAR (she sits): No man ever talked to me like that before.
GRANDPA: That's probably your main trouble . . . now you'll do what I tell you, and the first thing is to keep quiet.
SECRETARY OF WAR: If my husband were around you wouldn't dare treat me like this.
GRANDPA: You ain't got no husband.
SECRETARY OF WAR: Well, if I did.
GRANDPA: If you did, then he'd be telling you to sit down and shut up, and I wouldn't have to.
Later, the Secretary of War is seen in the kitchen, contentedly cooking for Grandpa, happy that a real man has put her in her place. Not being married myself, I wonder if the married men on this forum might try an experiment: Go tell your wives to shut up and sit down. According to this script, she should be happy that you have asserted your masculine authority. Please report back on the accuracy of this prediction.
As if the lame "comedy", sloppy story structure (it's cluttered with incident after incident) and hostility toward women weren't enough the make this script a dog, it includes suggestions for two rock n' roll songs. The first is the "Take Me to Your Leader Rock":
Take me to your leader
I want the big man
Take me to your leader
I want the big man
Take me to your leader
I'm ready to swing
Take me to your leader
I'm ding ding ding
The second is for the grand finale, and is entitled "Get Your Man in Texas":
Get your man in Texas
Cause that's where men are men
Shootin' hard, ridin' fast
A Texas man can really last
When we shake, swing, ding along ding [Why is the writer hung up on the word "ding"?]
Ice cream cones that melt away
Ain't no fun on a real hot day
A piece of gum that won't stay sweet
Is only a trick cause it ain't no treat
So get your man in Texas
Cause that's where men are men [What does this have to do with the melting ice cream and the gum?]
I think we can all be grateful that Arkoff and Nicholson turned this one down!
