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Some choice Irwin Allen quotes from THE STUDIO, by John Gregory Dunne, which documents a year (1967) in the life of 20th Century Fox studios:

"That's what I'm sitting in the boss's chair for. You got a little problem about Lobster Man, you come to see Irwin."

"A monster looks phony if his mouth doesn't move when he's talking. Fix it. A mouth on the blob."

(Edited to replace one of the original quotes with the following:)

"Most TV shows are what I call Donna Reed's living room. Donna goes to the dooor, opens the door, and there's the milkman. 'Oh, hello, John,' she says.'Two light cream, three heavy cream.' But John's got a problem, so they go into the living room, sit on the couch, and talk for seven pages. 'Oh, John, you found out your wife is giving you a surprise birthday party and you don't want her to know you know.' They shoot the seven pages and then they go home for the day. Me, if I can't blow up the world in the first ten seconds, then the show is a flop."

The funniest Irwin Allen story I ever read appeared in an article in THE NEW YORKER around ten years ago, in a profile of a veteran studio executive (whose name I don't recall). I've looked everywhere for the issue, in the hopes of quoting the story accurately, but I can't find it anywhere, so I'll have to relate it to the best of my imperfect memory. The executive, reminiscing about his early days in the business, recalled an encounter with the temperamental producer that went something like this:

Allen was developing a 'suspense thriller' called THE WALTER PROPHECY, but the studio had decided to pass on the project. Allen's volatile temper and penchant for screaming fits were well-known, and none of the senior executives wanted the task of informing him. So, it fell to 'the new guy' (the executive who was the subject of the article) to break the news. He made an appointment to visit Irwin in his office, and spent hours dreading the meeting while trying to come up with some strategy to defuse what he was sure would be a tense situation.

When the time came, the young executive was ushered into Irwin's production headquarters, and Allen was in a genial, upbeat mood. He gave his visitor a tour of the office, showed off a variety of production sketches and story outlines, and finally told his guest that he was going to let him in on a secret. Irwin pulled open a filing cabinet drawer and motioned for the executive to look inside. The drawer was filled with factory-sealed packages of white tube socks. Allen's secret? Any time he found himself feeling blue, he'd simply head back to his office and change into a fresh pair of socks.

When the subject finally turned to THE WALTER PROPHECY, the executive decided to combine bluntness with flattery, and said something like "Irwin, the studio is concerned that this story simply isn't worthy of you. Ask yourself: would Cecil B. DeMille make this picture?"

Allen supposedly responded by smiling, picking up his personal copy of the script for THE WALTER PROPHECY from his desk, and dropping it into the wastebasket, as he told the executive "We aren't going to do the picture."