David,

This is a very well written and insightful review. I particular liked the line, "Instead, we're left with Burger King monsters vs. Hasbro heroes." Nailed the head on that one!

Like you, I use "hate" sparingly in regards to movies. There are only a select few I actually "hated." My biggest gripe is with the Haunting remake for similar reasons I hate Van Helsing. They completely missed the boat with what the audience wants. In the case of the Haunting, the movie was all about subtly...which is the the remake lacked in every instance!

As for the Mummy remake...good call on crediting actors Brendan Frasier/Rachel Weiss/ Arnold Vosloo. You are very right that they added the human touch that could withstand the CGI mis-mash that proliferated the screen. The chemistry between Brendan and Rachel worked for a movie and a half! I thought Vosloo was great and gave the part of the Mummy the slice of dignity it needed. If Vosloo wasn't as good in that, that movie would have been a full fledged joke.

That being said, I cannot bring myself to consider the Mummy remake a "Universal Horror" picture. It stands to me as a "Universal ACTION" picture. Essentially, it is "Raiders of the Lost Mummy" with a couple of added laughs thrown in.

Van Helsing SCREAMS of a director playing with the "new toy" that is CGI. Jackman (excellent as Wolverine) fails here completely. This Clint Eastwood monster killer becomes the thick spectacled Dr. Van Helsing?

What amazes me is that the studios actually fund these turkeys! Don't they watch the dailies? Maybe that is the problem, you can't do that with CGI I suppose.

A favorite light moment (and there are many) in the Mummy was the following lines:

Beni: Hey, O'Connell! It looks to me like I've got all the horses!
Rick: Hey, Beni! Looks to me like you're on the wrong side of the river!

I think the folks that think CGI can "make" a movie are equally on the "wrong side of the river." It takes characters that we can care about, relate to, or at least laugh with, to win an audience over.

I clearly remember going to see the Mummy and feeling that while it wasn't a bit what I expected, it was a very enjoyable movie for what it was.

Van Helsing seems ready made to sell happy meals and adorn cereal boxes (no offense to Count Chocula). They could have saved a bundle and just made a grandiose cartoon and accomplished the same thing. It probably would have been almost enjoyable that way.